Forgiven Not Forgotten

Actually I really hate talking about it, but reading a friend’s twitter just brought the old issue up on the surface again. Reading that person’s name mentioned got me suffocated. I can’t believe that after all these years…the wound is still there. Knowing that person is in town, so close but unreachable…dang it! it still hurts. I thought we’ve cleared everything last year…that very depressing moments when that person finally “came back” and made a contact…but i was wrong. We both got hurt, blamed each other…and all those heartache was caused by a stupidly terrible misunderstanding. There’re times when i wish i could turn back the time, but it’ll be no more than just a wish. We’ve said sorry to each other so many times…I said I’ve forgiven that person, but my mind keeps all the bad memories just in a highly sensitive place, so that they are very easily to come back. But ironically…no  matter how bad I blamed that person, I always blame myself more. That person said “let bygone be bygone”. But I think I’ve never heard the word  “forgiven”. That person’s words linger in my mind beyond my own will. It’s so disturbing and won’t go away. The words were as simple as “I was in trouble, so yes I was the one who left, but you didn’t seek for me. and when I was back, I thought you’re the one who pushed me away for no reason. So I just went away for real…”

For years, I never thought other people noticed what happened to us, until one day…my own mother asked me “what’s wrong between the two of you? You’ve known each other for a very long time. Why did you have to end it this way?”

God, it’s difficult. Help me, please…

I hate to say it…but somehow, I have to admit that very deep down there in my heart…I do miss that person. I miss my best friend just so much.

Hope you’ll never read this writing. But I’ve got the perfect song. “Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough” by Patty Smith:

Now, I don’t want to lose you
but I don’t want to use you
just to have somebody by my side.
And I don’t want to hate you,
I don’t want to take you
but I don’t want to be the one to cry

And that don’t really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
and I keep seeing you walk through that door.

(Chorus)

But there’s a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it’s sad when you know it’s your heart you can’t trust.
There’s a reason why people don’t stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

Now, I could never change you
I don’t want to blame you.
Baby, you don’t have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.

It makes a sound like thunder

it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something’s gonna change.

(Chorus)

And there’s no way home
when it’s late at night and you’re all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you, where I used to lay?

And there’s a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it’s sad when you know it’s your heart they can’t touch.
There’s a reason why people don’t stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain’t enough.

Baby, sometimes, love… it just ain’t enough.
Oh, Oh, Oh, No

[lyric source]

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