Insecurity

The title sucks, yeah. But that word has been sticking in my brain for quite awhile now. And my writing teacher once said that (actually a quote from another great actor whom I forgot the name): “good sh*t sticks!” So it’s absolutely something I have to write down here.

To be frank, this is actually the first time I experience the feeling of insecurity.
It feels…complicated.

Pushing yourself out of the comfortable zone is a sickening process. And insecurity contributes somewhere within it. At this age, the fact that you will soon have no vivid near future is a frightening situation. But I don’t think it’s more about the insecurity of losing a settle monthly income. It’s more about the fear of losing our own identity.

Funny thing that identity used to be no more than just a simple word when we’re still at school or even in university. But getting into professional world…reaching the mid 20s…identity is no more only about how someone difines him/herself. I think it’s also about how someone sees him/herself in the future.
So i’m putting my identity in a risk here.

This probably another brave decision I made in life. Maybe it’s just the process I have to go through. Small part of the spirit is because I want to show my friend who called me a coward, that I can be brave. That I can take the risk in order to pursue my dream. Most of all, I want to show myself that I can be brave, that i’m not a coward.
And at the end of it, I can roar to the world that I survive! And hope that I can achieve my goal (amin!).

Sometimes I wonder why I never think about settling down.
why my mind never stop wondering about greater things out there.
Why I always choose the uncomfortable ways.

hmmm…

Maybe i’m just born this way.

Maybe I was born under the stars of the adventurers (some ‘special’ people do see lots of signs in me that i was born as an adventurer). So i’m not a safe player, never be.
I can be a coward in many ways…but looking back to my own past..hmmm
Just like my never ending will to travel any far away strange country all by myself with only a carrier backpack, that’s pretty much my life.
So maybe what they say is true.

The question of “how will I survive the blurry near future?” popped up in my mind almost every minute now.
Sickening, really.
But I always remember that I once said that it’s better to keep the future as the great mystery than to get a little leakage from heaven but it costs my peaceful mind.
And there is no such a thing as a real vivid future anyway, right?
So I try to chill down and put my faith in God and in myself that when the time has come, I’ll know what to do and God will open up the door leading me to the path i’m supposed to take.

~start chanting calmly in my mind: “i’m brave. i’m smart. i’ll survive. God will help me.”

And Ken Hirai’s song “Life Is”is playing in my playlist

[source]

Translation:

We try to make ourselves look stronger
We try to make ourselves look better
Why do we choose
This oppressive way of life?

Try taking off that hat today
The one that’s always covering your eyes
Your hair is cute all mussed like that
I like it

Dried leaves dancing in the wind
The smell of wet grass
We threw ourselves down and looked up at the empty sky

There is no answer anywhere
No one will tell me
But when I think of you, my heart cries out
And that alone is the truth

That day we threw
All our frank words to the side
Now I could have realized
The tenderness that lay on the other side

A freezing bench
Lovers cuddling together
Countless words of love are born and disappear

There is no eternity
No one can touch it
But when you laugh, I want to believe
And to reach out and touch the future

There is no answer anywhere
No one will tell me
But when I think of you, my heart embraces the pain
And that alone is the truth

[source]

 

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